Tonight's agenda

Rose Hill Apts. See you there.

Also

I stole the secret recipe for 'get loose juice'

Its 4am

The party at the gates started off slow but ended up being extremely fun. I hope you were there.

Beware

Word on the street is that howl is being strict about wearing beach attire. Little do they know I am used to going to nude beaches in europe and i think body hair is beautiful.

Your Guide to Spring Weekend Until I get Bored or Sad

cheers everyone, I have pulled myself out of my position in the gutter beneath FUrez's boot. Just barely, anyway. But I felt it crucial to address all of the parties that will happen this weekend according to my facebook findings. Yes that is a clue to my identity: i have facebook. File that with "is too not lazy to be a straight guy" and "too unfunny to be a gay guy" for those of you keeping score. Oh? No one is? NO ONE...settle down, self, settle down. You can't give in to 'roid rage this close to the strong man competition...clue 4.

Thursday
If you thought spring weekend started Friday, you are probably following a traditional gregorian calendar. Or are a freshman with 8:30 classes. Or not currently reading this. ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG. Thursday is the day that starts the weekend, because it is the best day to go out besides fridays, tuesday or those unexpected mondays. So spring weekend offers first...

The Gates.
These are mostly seniors and they are all dudes. I have never actually been to a party here and actually don't remember anyone I know ever talking about going to a party here but by golly, I've known they exist. Past parties have featured themes suchs as...uhh...something to do with long island iced teas I think. Instead of beer. But it might have been any other drink or any other theme. Alright, now to check out the actual description. Okay, unthemed.

In a nut shell:
Three Floors standard
Live DJ not impressed
Multiple Kegs i hope this means they havent gotten them yet as opposed to a nice way of saying 3
Jell-O Shots eh
"Get Loose" Juice ....I'm intrigued.

Bathgate Party #1, Alright, I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong. In fact, I will usually only express belief that I am right after someone else can prove to me that my thought has some sort of logic to it. Which it mostly does not. Anyway. Back to business. So some person who reads this (amazing. I would credit you but you remained anonymous) told me I had the wrong vague bathgate address. I don't doubt it. Lets go back and see I can't make sense of this.


Time and Place
Start Time: Thursday, April 26, 2007 at 10:00pm
End Time: Friday, April 27, 2007 at 4:00am
Location: Football House Out back
Street: 2492 Bathgate Ave
City/Town: Bronx, NY

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what this means. What football house. I know of a baseball house and a hockey house. Maybe football house is just its name. People in the South name their houses. I'd name mine Saturn. That way, when people ask where I live, I'd get to say Saturn! Just like I do now! Except I might have a fancy sign in front of my house that said saturn instead of the cardboard sign I wrote in blood and attached to my door with gum. I think that's why no one questions me when I say thats where I live.

So now I don't know who lives here either. I'm going to continue to assume senior girls. And guess what everyone, it is in celebration of a birthday! I once had a party for my birthday and the cops had to shut it down. What can i say, 5th graders are tough.

The stats:
okay, maybe there is some assuumed amount of alcohol they usually have at parties I for some reason am not aware of, because there is nothing about that listed. They do however have a theme of either 80s or anything but clothes.
I don't need to give an opinion on 80s night. And anything but clothes would be great if it was called anything but clothes, duct tape, or trashbags.

Howl beach party
This could go either way. If you've been to howl, which you have, you know that sometimes it is really fun and sometimes it is really shitty. And this differs from the other bars because crowdedness, level of intoxication, night of the week, and amount of people you know are not necessaey factors in predicting whether or not it will be fun. To have fun at mugzs you have to be on the verge of blacking out with it crowded, but crowded enough to breathe, on a major going out night, with everyone you know. Just to clarify.

So they encourage you to wear your bathing suit. Sigh, I can see the security reports already, can't you. Smell them even! They smell like locals.

I am only putting tomorrows events up because I am tired and don't feel like writing anymore, especially this poorly. But I would like to summarize what I have learned today. Girls like parties with themes, and guys like parties with alcohol...but so do girls...and guys like parties with girls who like parties with themes which must mean...wait, carry the 2...I hate myself.

No, that can't be right, I think I lost a decimal somewhere.

I like to think

That I've been saving all of my wit to comment on all that will happen this magical last weekend of April. At least, thats what I tell myself. I'm not even good at self deprecating for christs sake.

Honestly

I really should just actually write the rumors I hear, because most are about interesting topics such as a looooong list of people I've heard have herpes. But unfortunately I've already experienced the joys of someone filing a lawsuit against me for defamation of character. I don't want to talk about it. FUrez, I really feel like this copy blog, which i have already admitted to stealing your idea used to be funny. It isn't now. But it twas once.

I only kind of like this weather

Well, we are experiencing what I want to call a scorching heat wave, or as others may call it 'normal spring weather'. And I can't help but think about so many things I forgot happen when the temperature reaches 60 degree or hotter. Like:

• Everyone in any part of the New York City area that you dare come in contact with either old or young, indoor or outdoors, male or female, smells so bad that I want to constantly be dead. I'm tired of smelling a foul rotting corpse like stench (uh, not that i'd know what that smells like) and of course having my inner monologue switch from the standard Devon Sawa circa Little Giants bubble bath fantasy to the immediate "wait, is that me? when was the last time i showered" And to be honest, sometimes outloud the response is 'sigh, yes'
• I don't know how much you go out around fordham, or how much you pay attention in general to anything in life, but have you noticed that it seems like the bars are that much more crowded. I'm at the bars all time time because I constantly need to numb the pain, and feel a public setting makes it seem like less of a problem. But there are so many people out now that I can't decide if the other half of the freshman class figured out there was more to life than just tinkers or if my theory is correct and approximately 50% of our school hibernates in the winter. And by that I mean tries to adequately produce a liquid parka as to avoid an actual jacket over their skank wear and in the process gets too drunk to go out. Fuck, I hate myself this sucks even worse than before.
  

How Not Elusive

I did see Suits on Eddie's and was informed that he was there for at least 2 hours. I was informed of this however by listening to a conversation between a group of very pale drunk sophomores a mere 5 feet to my left. So it must be true. God I am unfunny. I love you FUrez.

How Elusive

Sigh, I didn't spot FUrez today. Unfortunately for him, I more or less have a life and did not have time wait in locations I might believe he frequents. Which I don't actually know. I'm a failure.

The Obvious Direction

From now on I will only be reporting on FUrez. Like when I watched him dance like no one was watching (little did he know I was actually starting from an appropriate 4 - 10 feet away) to Madonna at the Lantern.

I really hope I am unfunny straight girl

So as I expected, I started off with a solid week or so posts which I have self approved as funny. And then I didn't forget about it as much as I got entirely too lazy. But yeah. FUrez wrote about unfunny straight girl and he was right, it is me Kathy Griffith!

That Guy

Andrew Craig was spotted at the Gym around 4pm, mostly checking himself out in the mirror

Gonies

Keeping myself in 'the Know' at all times is crucial, and I have received a very detailed report of last night's Fordham in the 80s themed Senior Night. For those of you that do not know what Senior Night is, I shall explain. Senior night is a poorly themed 4 hour dance where the seniors have the opportunity to listen to music played from someone's itunes and pay $2 for each cup of wine or beer they buy to dull the pain. Doesn't that sound like heaven? Did I mention its in the Ramskellar?

Last night's senior night featured girls with too much make up on in leggings with side ponytails and guys also wearing the clothes they wear everyday. With a few exception of course.
Here are some exclusive pics sent to me by my personal paparazzi.

Oh FUrez

I read FUrez Hilton. Why? Because you need to know your competition. Because I will battle to the death in order to take the top position in the contest of "Best Blog about Fordham that Cleverly Changes the Name of a Popular Gossip Site to Make it More Applicable to Fordham". Oh, that's not a contest, you say? Thats what you think.

Sigh, I just read the latest post about someone simply referred to as Sassy Black Girl. And I loved it. Now I feel inadequate, like I'm writing the worst blog about Fordham that cleverly changes the name of a popular gossip site to make it more applicable to Fordham.

Figa Likes Simons; Fuperficial Re-thinks Figa

Sources spotted Shannsie (I can call you that, right?) at Simon's Deli Thursday Night. Stay tuned for possible details later on what she ordered.

Battle of the Bands

Well, if you haven't heard who won the battle of the bands for spring weekend or didn't know there was even a battle of the bands to pick an opener for spring weekend, I've got the scoop. The lucky bands chosen to open for the greatest band in the world, Yellowcard, are Webster, the judges choice, and Hiroko Saki, the audience choice. Now, I'm not sure if this is true since I am basing it on my memory (which is not good), but Webster played last year. Dammit, I really don't know. I really want to be all facts here. And by facts, I mean things I am choosing to completely believe with little to no evidence. Well I guess the evidence I need is the awesome power of Webster. How could they NOT have opened last year. Anyway, I have taken the time to thoroughly research both bands.

Webster: They are fronted by that kind of hippie kind of ghetto dude with the crazy beard and long hair who I've actually seen working construction on campus (odd). There are two other members that I know less about. The guitarist is some cute blond chick. And the drummer has really short hair. They play songs that I guess one would describe as 'funky'. I wouldn't, because I hate that word. And not what it implies, just the word in general. I believe this is a sufficient description.

Hiroko Saki: I've stumbled into Rodrigues before, obviously frightened, but managed to see Hiroko Saki. They put on...an interesting show. It's really loud but not in a bad way, and their songs often humorously muse on fordham...and their efforts to be studly, topics to which any soul in our small sub-subculture can easily relate. I look forward to the possibilities of fordham's administration shutting them down (hopefully with tear gas and unavoidable media coverage) and also for "Nelso" to be so loud that the Black Israelite dude on Fordham Rd gets pissed that he is being disturbed while he is trying to concentrate.

Yeah, this pretty much sums it up.

LIBRARY UPDATE

It has recently come to my attention that Alex Sacco lives in Microfilms, which explains his earlier presence.

Shannon Figa took the 5:37 Metro North

You heard it here first.

I'm a failure...or am I?

Not only did I fail to investigate the lantern first hand, I also did not really pay attention to anything while I was out last night. I told myself that I have a responsibility to the people to inform. But then I realized I was just going to drink a lot and make bad decisions. And when I set goals, believe me, I achieve them. I can tell you that Mugz's was full of underclassman, specifically ones that believe they are badass for getting by Suits. Oh, the blur just cleared up for a minute. I spotted Mr. FUrez Hilton himself last night, which was thrilling.

BIG NEWS AT THE LIBRARY

Get ready everyone, I have news that will ROCK YOUR WORLD. It has just been reported to me that....God, I can't even go further I'm so thrilled to break this story... okay, I've composed myself. Alex Sacco was spotted in Microfilms!!!

A Thousand Pounds of Gossip: Gym sightings

1. Ryen Hansen, 8:45pm
   
2. Adam Peterson, 10pm
3. A source reported that in the side room, a group of 4 girls, presumably all friends and presumably all freshman were ellipticaling away those 15 pounds of beer weight. Suddenly one girl drops her ipod. They all giggle, because freshman are simple. A male, senior Joe Pro, giggled loudly in mockery from across the room, almost like a reflex. One freshman turned around and with some major 'tude shouted "Ummmmmmm...is someone laughing?" and made some sort of noise only bitchy girls can make. I think it was probably a primative mating call. Then they killed each other. Okay, that didn't happen. But after I wrote it out I realized maybe its the kind of story you have to act out. So go ahead and do that.
   

Papa Don't Preach

It appears Father McShane also saw "Fordham: The Musical" and as hot beads of sweat dripped down his face to his neck (thats imagery people! IMAGINE!....Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know why I wrote that.) He must have decided he had some splainin' to do. He will deliver some awesomely titled speech this week (it is the State of the Campus Address? Hold on I am going to actually switch tabs to look...no, it's the State of the University Address, where he is going to talk about his strategic plan. Does anyone notice that State of the University is almost like State of the Universe. What is Father McShane's name? I can't remember and now I can think of nothing else. Is it James? I feel like it is Joseph but that seems so obvious. Crap.

Does he usually give addresses like this? Sigh. I don't care.

A Thousand Pounds of Gossip: Gym sightings

It's been reported that one of the most infamous of Fordham celebrities, Shannon Figa, was spotted at the gym around 4pm "shedding hair extensions all over the place."

I'm sure Fordham is the Lower East Side of something

What is this strange picture you ask? Why, it's an aerial picture of Fordham! Where'd I get it? Spy planes. That work for google. But no, if you look closely you will see that it is actually Hoffman and Fordham Rd. right by that bar you always walk past and never actually go in.
Apparently there have been strange happenings at the freshman/local bar 'The Lantern'. On Tuesday nights, really tan girls and guys must step aside to let in the hipsters. Is that what the kids are calling themselves nowadays? You know, those girls and guys who are both wearing faded women's size 2 skinny jeans with short messy hair that is covering their face making it nearly impossible to distinguish gender. But it is so passe to poke fun at those kids when all they are after is...dancing? It's like they've all moved to that city I don't remember the name of in footloose where dancing was illegal. And that city is located within the lantern. And the hipsters are the rebellious youth. And on Tuesday nights they rebel. I don't know, this is what I gather from the event description and the stories I've heard. In any case, tonight the FUperficial will investigate.

Burek-racy

So for those of you who frequent the tri bar area 5 or 6 times a week like me, you too have noticed that Tony and Tina's has been closed quite often recently. Why? Because Simon's is trying to trick the drunks into getting addicted to delicious sandwiches. Sure, I'm aware they are under the same ownership or management or snack deity (I call him Greasius). I'm not sure if he is aware that drunk kids already love sandwiches and will hike to where they are big and cost 3 dollars. Because a sandwich is pretty much a sandwich. They aren't killing the turkey themselves. Well...no they probably aren't. But pizza is a whole other story. Lets face it, Pugsleys really is a crap shoot. Sometimes its great, sometimes they serve 'what happens when you don't pay attention'. And going to University is like saying "I no longer wish to have fun tonight" because their location suggests bedtime snack as opposed to delicious pick me up. Besides, where else can I get a decent Burek at 3am? Okay, I dont want Burek. I'm not that adventurous. But I'm sure the Paper's Burek connoisseur Benham Jones is unhappy, at least thats what I gather from his latest article praising it. I want pizza. I dont want oddly named sandwich. Okay, I do want oddly named sandwich, but not always. I want my post bar snack to be my choice. THIS IS AMERICA.

Spotted

Sources tell me former couple Alexis Jacobs and Wade Hazelton were spotted talking at Mugz's on Monday night. Is love in the air? I am on the edge of my seat...you know...asking myself things like...will they or won't they...followed by asking myself 'will they or won't they' what? And then I start crying because this is what I've been reduced to thinking about.

Fordham Week

Apparently Fordham will have Back to the Future playing on Martyrs' lawn friday night. We know how that turned out when they played Goonies on Martyrs' lawn. Or we don't. Because we were blacked out and didn't even appreciate the large projection of both Corey's for all to see. Also I hear a DeLorean will be driving around campus friday. I'm not making this up. I wonder which McFly-ly dressed USG member thought this up.

Welcome Children

I read FUrez Hilton and I was not impressed. Sorry, but kudos for the idea. I personally want to read real, juicy, unsubstantiated gossip.